Lean In and Thank You

This post is dedicated to Lee Kolbert and Lean In:Women, Work and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg.

This past week I had parent/teacher/student conferences.  For those of you new to my blog, I teach fifth grade and my students come to parent conferences.  The focus is on them.  They do the talking, the adults do the listening.  By the time the conference is over, there is a plan for improvement and a general warm, fuzzy feeling of joy about the progress that has already been made.  

My last conference was with a student who is bright, hard working, caring.  All the things we want in a student. The only area of improvement I suggested was that I want to hear her voice more.  The boys in my room tend to take over the conversations and she is too "good" to call out her ideas along with the boys.  I know I could make it a rule that you have to raise your hand and wait to be called on before speaking but I really have difficulty running a class like that.  I like the give and take throughout the day.  But quiet children tend to get lost if I don't force the issue, which I do often.

Since her conference, I have been thinking a great deal about the "good" girls.  And it is mostly girls. The boys who are quiet are still more vocal than the girls who are quiet.  I need to find a way to inspire these girls to speak up, "Lean In", and be a part of the running of the class.  So I started to think about myself.

I know many of you will find this hard to believe, but, when I was in middle and high school, I was shy.  I never talked, unless I was called on.  I let others make all the decisions, tell me what I needed to do.  In fact, I was so quiet, kids thought I was a bitch.  That's what they told me once they got to know me.  They thought I felt superior since I didn't talk to them at all.  The reality is far from their beliefs.  I was so insecure and so shy I was sure that, if I did contribute, I would be laughed at.  So I just kept quiet.

Now, at age 50, I have no problems "Leaning In."  How did this come to be?  It really started with the creation of my online PLN.  I started to know amazing women.  Women who spoke out, who reached out, who were successful and vocal.  Women like Lee Kolbert, who always had so much to offer when I was stuck on some idea.  Like Vicki Davis, who was so successful and so sought after, but still so kind to little ole me.  Like Sheryl Nussbaum-Beach, who is able to run a successful organization, while still maintaining herself.  Like Refranz Davis, who breaks new ground each year and still laughs about her "faults."  Like Angela Maiers, who is a well sought after speaker who still wears amazing shoes. Like...like...like.

There are so many to name.  Stephanie and Karen and Julie and Donna and Toni and Lisa and Liz.  Women who are strong enough to speak up and down to earth enough to laugh at themselves and each other.  Where would I be without you all?  Probably still the bitch I was known to be.  I had no trouble standing up for my students but could never stand up for myself.  

So the advice I give to my girls now is to read about amazing women.  Even in fiction.  Sarah from Sarah, Plain and Tall, is a fiesty woman from the 1800s who tells her husband what she wants and gets it.  And he still loves her.  They need to hear that.

But to all the women still leaning back....it is time.  Lean in, speak up, move forward.  This world is so screwed up.  We need compassionate, strong women to start taking over.  And men to support them when they do. 
 

Thank you to all my women friends...those who Lean In and those who are waiting still to learn.  I would not be where I am today without you!

                                              

Parent/Teacher/Student Conferences - Why Bother?

It's that time of year again.  Time for me to meet with parents and let them know how their children are doing.  This year, just as I have done for the past ten years, I had the children in on the conferences.  The parents are always hesitant, concerned there will be something we need to discuss that they won't discuss in front of their child.  The kids are always nervous, worried that they won't know what to say or how to act.  I am always excited for the time to meet as a team. 

Each year, once it's over, teachers ask me if it was worth it.  Why would I do this anyway?  Just have the parents in and get it over with.  But I feel like it is important.  It is the child's education - not mine or mom's. The children need to know we are all there to help.  The parents need to see the children as responsible, capable learners.  This is something I would do starting in third grade, maybe even second.  Want more?  Here's what happened this year.  

Conference 1 - Parent with very little English skills

• R.'s mom speaks English but not well.  She had many questions about the classroom, use of the internet in school, and how R was doing.  But she did not have enough English to ask me.  So she asked R., who, in turn, asked me.  My answer to R. - "Explain to your mom why we..."  Mom saw R. as a responsible mature learner for the first time.  She could have asked her all these questions at home.  But she didn't.  Maybe now she will.

Conference 2 - Parent who pushes for too much

• E. is a struggling student who is making nice progress.  But he needs to improve his study habits and take more responsibility for his assignments.  If he did, his reading and writing skills, and all other academic areas would improve.  Mom kept telling him he needs to get all 4s next time (That is the equivalent of an A.).  I kept saying he needs to improve study habits.  She kept saying all 4s.  E. started to get upset.  I noticed, Mom did not.  I stopped Mom.  "E," I said, "what you can control is your behavior.  You cannot control whether or not your brain will learn everything quickly and easily but you can control how much effort you put into work, how much focus you have, and how responsible you are completing assignments.  Do all of that, and the academics will improve.  I don't care if you get 4s.  I want you to improve your learning strategies.  That's it."  And then I looked at Mom.  "That's what he can control right now."  He started to smile and Mom laid off.  I can't guarantee she didn't continue at home but she did hear me tell her son how well he has been doing.  And she heard her son talk about what he would change - like moving away from his friends during a lesson.

Conference 3 - Parent who believes everything the child says

• D. is a strong student who does very little homework.  Dad wants to know why he got a low grade on homework, since he does it every night.  I ask D. to explain.  Dad says, "When I call home, you always tell me your homework is done."  D. says, "I mean my math homework."  Dad looks at me with his mouth hanging open.  D. and I begin a conversation about earning respect and being reliable.  D. explained to Dad what he would do from now on, Dad told D. he would be checking his work each night until he could count on him again to tell the truth.  I didn't have to play he said/she said without D. there.

Conference 4 - Making a Plan

• T. is a struggling student who is overwhelmed by work.  His response to being overwhelmed is to quit.  Mom has not been helping him organize his work at home so he can complete it calmly and correctly.  She thought he was hopeless.  Together, T., Mom, and I came up with a plan to help T.  Mom is now part of the solution instead of leaving it all up to me.

Conference 5 - Getting More Attention

• S. is a strong student, hard worker, and considerate of others.  Mom works hard and rarely has time for S.  S. wants to join my Global Awareness Club but Mom says she has no way to pick her up from the club.  I suggest a car pool.  S. looks at Mom with puppy dog eyes but says nothing.  She does not speak up for herself.  I keep pushing.  Mom finally looks at S. and says, "Do you really want to go?"  S.  nods her head furiously.  Mom says she will work from home on Wednesdays so S. can go.  I feel like S. got more from Mom with me there than she would have alone.

Conference 6 - Understanding Compliments

• K. is a struggling student who has learned, this year, how to be an active learner.  As a result, her skills are improving and she is becoming a class leader.  Mom did not believe the progress report, thinking I was just being nice to her because the holidays were coming up.  So I had K. explain what she does when a lesson begins, how she makes sure she is in a good place to learn, and what kind of work she was doing.  It all came from K.  Mom was shocked, cried, and hugged K.  K. started to cry. I don't think she gets much praise but having Mom see how proud she was of her work changed a lot.

I have so many more examples of how having children in the conference is beneficial but I'm sure you get the idea.  I direct the conversation to the kids. I start by asking them what they are most proud of.  Then they talk about what they need to work on.  I ask how they will accomplish that task.  They talk, parents listen, I smile broadly.  I love parent/teacher/student conferences!